


Of Course Merlin Likes Rosé

by Fictionista654



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-05-31 14:38:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19428004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictionista654/pseuds/Fictionista654
Summary: When Arthur saves a wounded bird, the last thing he expects is for it to transform into a rather lovely, rather naked, man. At least now Arthur has someone to take as his plus-one to his ex-fiancée's dinner party.There's no way bringing an all-powerful shapeshifting extraterrestrial interdimensional high-energy being to Guinevere's house can go wrong.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, ao3 isn't giving me the option to say this is 1/2 chapters, so we'll just pretend that's what it says.

The bird had a broken wing and a bent beak, and surprised Arthur by living through the night.

“You’re still here,” he said to the raven in the cardboard box in his kitchen. The raven croaked in displeasure and hid its head beneath its good wing.

The bird was still alive when Arthur got back from work, and he used a dropper to give it more sugar-water. “Gwaine says you need wet dog-food. How does that sound?”

The raven looked like it would roll its eyes if it could.

“I know it sounds strange,” said Arthur. “But you have to trust me.” He went into the bathroom, where he still had half a bag of kibble. There were still hairs in the sink from shaving that morning and mold blooming on the shower curtain.

“You may wonder why I have this,” Arthur said conversationally as he presented the prepared soggy dog food. “The thing is, I used to have a dog. His name was George. Gwen took him when we separated.” 

The raven looked sympathetic.

“You’re good company,” said Arthur. He knew that he should bring it to a wildlife preserve, but he didn’t want to be lonely.

Gwen called after supper. “Is this a bad time?” she said.

Arthur muted the television. “I was getting some work done,” he lied.

“I just wanted to catch up. See how your life was.”

“After being cheated on?” he said. “It’s okay. Going as well as can be expected, actually.”

Gwen didn’t have a response.

The next day when Arthur came back from work, the raven was gone. Instead there was a naked man with wild black hair and wilder blue eyes pawing through Arthur’s refrigerator. Before Arthur’s disbelieving eyes, he picked up a squeezy mustard bottle and poured the contents down his throat.

“Excuse me?” said Arthur. The man turned around, and grinned in delight.

“You came back!” he said. His right arm was gingerly tucked to his chest. “Your food is rubbish, by the way. “Why don’t you have proper food? Spiders and things.”

“I have nuts in the cabinet,” said Arthur. “I’ve heard ravens eat those.” Distantly, he wondered why he wasn’t panicking. He was clearly in the throes of a psychotic-break. Except he could smell the man—musty and dirty and _bird_ like. And the man kept bobbing his head and scratching his feet against his legs in a very inhuman way.

“This will do,” the man announced, and stuck his face directly in the pistachio can. It didn’t go in, and the man squinted. 

“You have to use your hands,” said Arthur. 

“Ohhh,” said the man, and dumped the nuts out onto the floor.

“Watch it!” said Arthur. “You’ll have to clean that up, you know.”

“I’ve not been in this form for so long,” the man said apologetically. “This is easier.” He crouched and started shoveling the little round nuts into his mouth.

“Do you have a name?” said Arthur.

“Do you?” retorted the man. Then he thought about this. “Actually, you told me. Your name is Arthur. Mine is Merlin.”

“Merlin?” said Arthur. “Isn’t that a type of bird? Why are you raven instead of that?”

“Why are you a businessman instead of king?” said Merlin. “We can ask those questions all day.”

Arthur sat at the table and watched Merlin suck down the rest of the nuts. Cleaning up wouldn’t be a problem after all.

“Are you a man who can turn into a bird, or a bird who can turn into a man?” Arthur said finally.

“Me?” said Merlin. “I’m an interdimensional high-energy being.”

“Oh,” said Arthur. “Meaning?”

Merlin sat back against the cabinet to think about this, and Arthur tried very hard not to look at his cock. “I have unlimited potential,” he said at last. “I can walk in any form and travel between galaxies. I go to sleep in one universe and wake up in the other. And I’m not supposed to be here.”

“You’re breaking rules?” said Arthur. “Is some sort of space interpol going to come arrest you?”

“Maybe,” said Merlin. “I don’t think so, though. They’re all afraid of me.”

“Of _you_ ,” said Arthur, peering at Merlin’s delicate features and shining eyes. 

Merlin seemed to know what Arthur was thinking. “I don’t always look like this. Sometimes I have fangs.”

“Oh,” said Arthur. “Interesting.”

“I’ve noticed that it’s customary on this planet to wear clothes,” said Merlin. “Might I trouble you for a pair of pyjamas?”

“You’re an interdimensional high-energy being,” said Arthur. “I can’t exactly say no.”

“Quite right,” said Merlin, looking pleased.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upgraded this to 3 chapters wooooh! I just went up on my meds and can no longer sleep, which leads to this ridiculousness. I've literally read these past few sentences over and over again to make sure they made sense bc my brain no longer works. Enjoy!

“We’re invited,” Arthur told Merlin. Merlin, who had been watching daytime telly with the enthusiasm of a granny, cocked his head. “Guinevere. Gwen. My ex. She’s having a dinner party tonight.”

Merlin frowned. “Is it common to have dinner and a party at the same time?”

“You’ll need a suit,” said Arthur.

Getting Merlin a suit wasn’t easy. It as actually very difficult, because Merlin wouldn’t stop unravelling sleeves for nest material.

“You’re not a bird anymore,” Arthur said under his breath.

“Habits stick!” Merlin said. “You watch, I’ll be XxLyirioen next, and still trying to tie my shoes.” At Arthur's blank face he added, “They’re a nitrogen-based lifeforms from the next universe over. They don’t have feet.”

“Of course,” said Arthur. “Totally reasonable.”

On the way back from getting Merlin an outfit, they stopped at the liquor store. This was very exciting for Merlin, who stared at the rows of glass bottles with wide eyes. “They’re so pretty,” he said, and he was so close to a vodka bottle that his lips brushed it and his breath misted its surface.

“They’re also good for drowning out your sorrows,” said Arthur. He tried to pick a respectable red, but Merlin was absolutely taken with a tall bottle of light-pink rosé.

“Arthur,” he said solemnly, “if you bring this to Gwen, she’ll fly back into your arms.”

“Lancelot might have something to say about that.”

“Lancelot?”

“Arthur 2.0. The new love of Gwen’s life.”

“That’s horribly tragic for you,” said Merlin.

“Thanks,” Arthur said through gritted teeth. “I appreciate that.”

In the end, Gwen liked the rosé. She also liked Merlin. “Arthur,” she said in a hushed voice, close enough that he could smell her lipstick, “Do you have something you want to tell me?”

“He’s just a friend,” said Arthur. 

“Well, he’s very pretty,” said Gwen. “Unfairly pretty.” She raised her voice. “Merlin! Did you know you’re absolutely gorgeous?”

Merlin was distracted by the hall plant. “This is fake,” he said, sounding betrayed. “Why would you have a fake flower in your foyer?”

“Um,” said Gwen. “I don’t know. It’s easier. It doesn’t die.”

“But death is a part of life,” Merlin said earnestly. “It’s a circle, and once it ends it has to start again. So you shouldn’t be afraid.”

Gwen looked from Merlin to Arthur to Merlin again. “Is he all right?” she said out of the side of her mouth.

“He’s fine,” said Arthur. “Aren’t you, Merlin.”

Merlin looked up from the flower. “It’s never going to live,” he said. Arthur thought it was time to go into the kitchen.

Besides him and Merlin and Gwen and Lancelot, there was Gwaine and Elena, which was a relief. You could always count on Gwaine to get roaringly drunk and take the heat off you. In fact, Gwaine had already started on the wine when Arthur and Merlin joined them.

“FIVE QUID,” Gwaine bellowed as soon as he saw them. “ELENA! FIVE QUID!”

“Oh, my God, Gwaine, you fucking _prophet_ ,” said Elena, pushing away the salad she was tossing. “He’s been saying you were gay since, like, day one, Arthur.”

“Great,” said Arthur. "Merlin’s just a friend. Say hello, Merlin.”

“Hello,” said Merlin, a bit distractedly. He was looking all over the kitchen, taking in the island and the marble countertops and the white floor. Arthur hoped he wasn’t drawing any comparisons to Arthur’s own kitchen, which had dark tiles on purpose so you couldn’t see the grime. “You have a lovely place.”

“Thank you,” Gwen and Lancelot said together. What a disgusting show of domestic bliss. Maybe Arthur _should_ have introduced Merlin as his boyfriend. _Actually_ , Arthur imagined himself saying, _Merlin and I moved in together last week. I thought he was bird._

Definitely humorous, but maybe not the right anecdote for present company. 

“What’s this?” Merlin said suddenly, crouching down so he was nose-to-nose with the blender. “There are knives inside—wait, don’t tell me. Oh, I see. It’s electricity, and that makes the blades go fast. It cuts things up so you don’t have to? What a funny invention! But why can’t you just cut really, really quickly?”

There was dreadful silence. “Arthur,” Gwen said in a high voice. “A word?”

Oh, God. They probably thought Merlin was developmentally impaired. They’d want to know why he was taking advantage of someone who clearly needed a parent more than partner.

And then Merlin said, “It’s like Kurskov’s equation. Has that been invented yet?” Then his brows drew together, and he tutted. “No, no, I don’t know what I’m thinking of. Same galaxy, wrong solar system. In about ten-million years or so, a brilliant physicist is going to figure out how to chop up the space-time continuum. It’s going to cause a dreadful mess. I suppose it is already, since all time happens at once. Which you can’t see, of course, not being fourth-dimensional beings like I am. Humans will get there, though. Don’t worry.”

“That’s…interesting,” said Lance, practically shaking with the effort to be a good host. “That’s interesting, right Gwen?”

“He’s insane,” Gwaine hissed to Arthur. It should have been much too quiet to reach Elena, let alone Merlin, but Merlin whirled around and fixed his eyes on Gwaine.

“I was, once. Or I will be. Alpha Centauri has a lovely mental health facility, though. I met so many interesting people. Have you ever met a depressed dragon?”

“No,” Elena said seriously, “I can’t say I have,” and her voice was kind, and Arthur knew that dinner was going to be okay.

All right, so he didn’t know, but his hopes had definitely gone up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I keep adding chapters :(

At first, dinner went smashingly. Merlin didn’t say anything too odd, and Arthur and Lance got along, and Elena had a bit too much wine and started hiccuping helplessly around the time Gwen and Lance brought out the first course.

“Careful, it’s hot,” said Lancelot, setting the platter of eggplant parmesan on the trivet. “Is there anything left in the kitchen, love?” Arthur winced.

“Just one more pie,” said Gwen, turning to go back. “Oh, my God! Merlin!” Somehow, without anyone noticing, Merlin had snuck off to the kitchen to help, and had come back with the pie, which he was holding with his bare hands. “That was just in the oven!”

“Don’t worry,” said Merlin. “I know I look human, but I made a few modifications. I can also hum and breathe in at the same time.” He demonstrated. It just sounded like humming to Arthur.

“Put it down, put it down,” said Gwen, anxiously reaching out with her oven-mitts, though she was nowhere near Merlin. “Not straight on the table!”

“I’m sorry,” said Merlin, quickly moving the pie to the trivet. “My natural internal temperature is 6,000 degrees Celsius, so you’ll have to bear with me as I get used to this climate.”

“Let’s have that word now, Arthur,” said Gwen, and this time Arthur couldn’t dodge it. 

“He’s insane,” she said once they were in the hallway. “You know that, right?”

“Yes, of course,” said Arthur. “It would be ridiculous if he actually were, uh, a high-energy being. But it’s not his fault he’s mad, Gwen. He needed a place to stay.”

Gwen’s jaw dropped. “You moved in together?”

“As flatmates,” said Arthur. “There’s nothing wrong with that. Honestly, Guinevere, you’re over-reacting. He’s harmless.”

There was a spike of laughter inside the dining room. Gwen sighed. “Oh, all right,” she said, her kind heart finally winning. “I suppose if he needed a place to stay…” 

“Exactly,” said Arthur. “It was the right thing to do.” He slipped back into the dining room before Gwen could get any more questions in.

Apparently, Merlin was entertaining everyone by balancing a stack of glass cups on his head. “The breakables!” said Gwen to Lance, who looked equally pained.

“I could never do that,” Elena said, sounding a little awed. “I doubt I could balance _one_ cup on my head.”

Merlin smiled guilelessly at Arthur. “Look at all these cups!”

“That’s very impressive,” said Arthur. “You should probably put them back now.” Merlin’s soft mouth curved into a pout, but he did set the cups back on the table. Lance especially looked like he’d lost years from his life. Would Arthur get this boring if it had been him to marry Gwen? Would he be worrying about the state of cups? Arthur sat down, thinking he was probably lucky to have Merlin instead.

Unfortunately, Merlin decided this was the perfect opportunity to cuddle up to Arthur. “What are you doing?” Arthur hissed.

“You’re nice to lean against,” Merlin hissed back. 

“We really aren’t dating,” Arthur said. He wasn’t sure if the table bought it.

“Oh, my God,” said Gwaine, throwing down his fork. “That was delicious.” 

No one else had even started their meals.

Merlin began humming again. This time, Arthur could feel the rise and fall of his chest. It was odd. He wondered why he hadn’t told Merlin to fake being human. He’d still probably do things like balance cups on his head, but he also wouldn’t announce things like having a core temperature of 6,000 degrees Celsius, which was probably the weirder part.

And then the humming turned into purring. Loud, obvious purring. Arthur wondered if purring were the norm in Merlin’s culture. Or maybe Merlin had been a cat a few transformations back and decided unnecessary noises were fun. Whatever the reason, conversation dried up as everyone listened to Merlin’s contented rumble. 

“How the fuck is he making that sound,” asked Elena.

“It’s like an engine,” said Gwaine. “Pass the salt.”

Lancelot handed over the salt without taking his eyes of Merlin. 

“Didn’t you start your new job, Elena?” said Arthur.

“Oh!” She put down her napkin and nodded enthusiastically. “I did a kidney transplant the other day, and guess how many kidneys the donor had.”

“Three?” said Gwen.

“Seven! Isn’t that amazing?”

“How many kidneys do you usually have?” said Merlin, sitting up. He pressed a hand to his abdomen and frowned. “I think I forgot those. I’ve just been exporting toxins to a pocket universe.” When everyone gaped, he added, “Don’t worry, nobody lives there. I created it. See?” He cupped his hands and held them out. A blue light floated above them. “This is the key.”

“Where’s it coming from?” said Gwen, trying to see under his hands.

Merlin let them fall, but left the light floating in midair. “What do you mean?”

“Jesus,” said Elena. “You should be a magician.”

Merlin shrugged modestly, though he might have been preening, since he brushed his chin over his shoulder like like a parrot. It was hard to tell. 

Elena leaned forward. “Do another trick. Please?”

Arthur held his breath and looked at Merlin, wondering what he’d do next. He’d stop him, but he was also curious to see Merlin’s powers in action. After twenty-seven years of absolute mundanity, Arthur was ready for a thrill.

“Do you mind?” said Merlin, and then picked up his half-full goblet of wine and threw it in the air. Gwen and Lance leapt forward at the same time, but they needn’t have bothered; the crystal goblet hung in midair, the pink liquid blooming from the top like a strange flower. Arthur put a finger up to one of the tiny droplets, and it burst and ran down his finger.

“Is this a joke,” said Gwen. “Arthur, are you screwing with us?”

Merlin lowered his hand, and the goblet settled gently on the tablecloth, the liquid piling back in. 

“Elena, I’m so glad we came,” said Gwaine, grinning wildly. “I can’t believe this! It’s magic!”

“You’ve never seen magic before?” said Merlin. “But Elena’s a Sidhe.”

“Oh, my God, did I mention I love this wine?” said Elena.


	4. Chapter 4

Gwen laughed nervously. She had been doing a lot of that this meal. Lance toyed with his fork. Arthur could already hear what Gwen would tell him on the phone later. _If you want to bring a delusional madman, that’s up to you, but you can’t drag my guests into it!_ It wouldn’t be so bad if Elena weren’t so nervous. Even Gwaine looked confused at the amount of wine his wife was imbibing.

Perhaps, Arthur thought, she wasn’t a Sidhe at all. Maybe Merlin had made a mistake. Then he realized he was probably the only person at the table who had taken it on faith that Elena _was_ one. Although Elena really did seem too clumsy to be a fairy. Perhaps she was in disguise.

“I didn’t realize right away,” said Merlin, completely not reading the room. “At first I thought you might just be a sorceress because of your human body, but I can see it now.” 

Elena put down her goblet. “Merlin,” she said, smiling. “That’s so interesting. What am I, again?”

“Oh, don’t encourage him,” says Gwen.

“A changeling,” Merlin said. “You replaced a human baby in her bed.”

“Hey,” said Gwaine. “That’s my wife!”

“I’m not trying to insult her,” Merlin said quickly. “The Sidhe are magnificent. They invented calculus centuries before Newton. But they do have a bad habit of switching out babies and taking their place. How old are you, Elena? Seventy, I should think. That’s the age they usually do that. Young enough to to adapt, old enough to remember what they are.” 

Arthur was alarmed. At this point, he wasn’t entirely sure he should trust Merlin, but he was also half-convinced that Elena was about to murder them all with ancient magic or whatever. His life was nothing but boredom and misery, but he didn’t want it to end quite yet. He hadn’t even said hi to George, who was locked outside so he wouldn’t jump onto the counters and get the food.

“I didn’t swap places with any baby,” said Elena, her voice getting sharp in a way it hadn’t been all dinner. “I wouldn’t do that.”

“No,” said Merlin. “You wouldn’t. That’s why you took its body.”

“It was free,” snapped Elena, pushing her chair back and half-rising from the table. “It was stillborn, it was just a body. It wasn’t like anyone else was going to do anything with it.”

“So you reanimated it with your own soul.” 

Elena pointed her finger at Merlin, and a bright blue beam arced from its tip straight towards Merlin. Faster, much faster than any human could move, Merlin raised his hand and caught the light in his palm. It crackled, growing stronger the longer Merlin held on. Elena stumbled, and still the blue light kept going. Merlin kept sucking it up. Inappropriately, _that’s what she said,_ flashed through Arthur’s mind.

Lance and Gwen clutched each other’s hands.

“I’m warning you, you’re going to kill yourself,” said Merlin, not unkindly. “At the very least, you’ll damage this body beyond repair. I’ve won, Elena.”

“Oh, fuck,” said Elena, dropping her finger and collapsing back into her chair. “Who taught you _that_ trick? I hate it.”

Merlin shrugged and picked up his fork, which he proceeded to use as some sort of stabbing instrument, skewering pieces of meat pie with the ferocity of a wolf. “Earth isn’t the only place with Sidhe magic,” he said through a mouthful of crust. “I studied in the Pleiades for a few thousand years. There was an excellent school in the center of the star my people called _Fanta_. 

“No relation to the soda,” he added as an afterthought. 

“So, you’re in on it, Elena?” said Gwen. “This…whatever this is. This joke.”

“No,” Elena said resignedly. “I met to tell you ages ago, anyway. I’m a Sidhe. Look.” 

Everyone at the table screamed. Everyone but Merlin, that is, who thoughtfully looked at Elena’s true face. “I don’t think you’ve done any harm. I’m sorry if I’ve caused you trouble.”

“It’s all right,” said Elena, slipping back into her human form. “I’m still not sure what you are, though. You’re masking it excellently. I thought you were a star at first, and you know how batshit they are. Can’t tell their hydrogen from the helium, and then spend half their lives complaining that they’re gaining weight.”

(“And Merlin’s _not_ batshit?” Gwen said under her breath.)

“Fanta was very polite,” Merlin said stiffly. “And you were half-right. I used to be a star, once.” Suddenly, a terrible force pressed Arthur to his chair. The sheer power radiating from Merlin shook the table and clattered the dishes. Arthur felt like his stomach was trying to escape out his back. Then it was over.

Elena was pale, which very much concerned Arthur. He’d just seen Elena shoot blue light from her finger, so anything that scared her was probably terrifying. But Merlin, with a smudge of jam on his cheek and his blue eyes opened wide and his delicate wrists peeking out of his sleeves, looked young and innocent and perfectly harmless.

“No,” she said. “There’s no way. You’re _not_. You can’t be.” 

“Why not?” said Merlin. 

“Can we go back to my wife being a fairy?” said Gwaine.

“Jesus fuck,” said Elena. “We’re having dinner with a black hole.”


	5. Chapter 5

Everyone looked at Merlin. Merlin ignored them and continued eating jam with a spoon. Arthur couldn’t remember exactly when Merlin had acquired the jam, but this pretty much fit with everything else Merlin had been doing. 

“Hello?” said Gwen, rapping the table. “Merlin?”

He looked up sulkily through his lashes. “I didn’t do anything,” he said. 

“Nobody’s saying you _did_ anything,” said Gwen, “but in about forty-five minutes, everything’s going to catch up to me and I’ll have a panic attack. It would be nice if you could elucidate us just the tiniest bit before that happens.” She tried to take a sip of water, but the cup shook in her hand.

“I can’t help but feel that this is my fault,” said Arthur.

“It is!” said Gwen. Lance soothingly rubbed her back.

“I feel like I’m the one who took the biggest hit,” said Gwaine. “Elena, what the fuck?”

“I should turn you in,” Elena said to Merlin. “There’s no way the Killgharrah Counsel approved this.”

“That’s the space interpol you were talking about,” Merlin whispered to Arthur.

“You said they were afraid of you,” Arthur whispered back.

“They probably are,” said Elena, and Arthur jumped. She smiled, showing off teeth that seemed the tiniest bit sharper than they’d been before. “Black holes are already Class 9 threats. Black holes that can wander are off the charts. That doesn’t mean they don’t want him, though. I could make a killing if I turned you in, Merlin.”

“I’d murder you and everyone on the planet,” said Merlin, as casually as if he were giving his plans for the day. 

“I’ve tried to stay out of this,” said Lance. “I really did. I have no fucking clue what’s going on. But, Merlin, you don’t seem like the kind of person who’d really want to destroy a planet?” 

“Elena can’t take the risk,” said Merlin. “Right?”

“He might do it,” she admitted. “Black holes are unpredictable. No one really understand them except other black holes.”

Arthur wrapped his finger’s around Merlin’s wrist and squeezed. Merlin looked at him, and, to Arthur’s great relief, shook his head the tiniest bit. He wouldn’t do it. 

“This is the best dinner party I’ve ever been to,” said Gwaine. “The best ever. So great. I love this. Someone pass the lasagna.” Gwen wordlessly slid it over, and Gwaine set about cutting himself a giant slab.

“Your cholesterol,” said Elena. “Remember what the doctor said?”

“Really, Elena?” said Gwaine. “Tonight of all nights?” 

Gwen cleared her throat. “Are we harboring a fugitive right now?”

“We’re accepting all this, then?” said Lance. “Elena’s a fairy and Merlin’s a black hole and all the rest?”

“For the next forty-three minutes,” said Gwen. “Then I have my panic attack.”

“Do you want my CBD oil?” said Gwaine. “It’s in Elena’s bag.” 

Elena innocently twirled a section of fluffy blonde hair. “I left it at home, darling.”

“I asked you to pack it!”

“I forgot,” said Elena. “We can stop for CBD ice-cream on the way home, but I think that would be a little ridiculous.”

As Elena and Gwaine continued to have the most besides-the-point argument Arthur had ever witnessed, Merlin rubbed his head into Arthur’s neck.

“What is it?” said Arthur, but Merlin just kept snuggling in.

“I think the damn thing’s fallen in love,” said Elena. “Stars are romantic little bastards, so it makes sense that a black hole wouldn’t be anymore reasonable.”

Arthur’s stomach dropped through the floor. “What?”

Merlin hooked his chin possessively over Arthur’s shoulder and glared at Elena. “You’re ruining everything.”

Elena snorted. “Don’t be pathetic, Merlin. You thought you would just, what? Settle down with this human, prey on his loneliness?”

Arthur flinched. “I’m not _that_ lonely.”

“It took seven-million years to free myself,” said Merlin. “Do you have any idea what I endured? Do you have any idea what I carry with me?” 

“That’s the point,” said Elena. “You’re fucking dangerous.” 

Merlin leaned forward, his elbows on the table. “You have no idea, Elena. _I have Excalibur_.” 

Elena’s hands flew to her mouth. “No,” she breathed. 

“Yes,” said Merlin.

Lance coughed politely. “And what’s Excalibur?” 

There was a knock at the door.


	6. Chapter 6

Merlin and Elena eyed each other. Then Elena darted to the right, and Merlin jumped out of his chair, blocking her. Almost faster than Arthur’s eyes could track, Elena flew a blast of energy at Merlin. Instantaneously, Merlin’s jaw dropped down, down, down, until his mouth was a gaping cavity too dark to look inside. The light flew into his mouth and stretched, the ball of light flattening into a streak. 

“Yum,” said Merlin, snapping his jaw back into place. 

“Oh, don’t pretend you like the taste,” said Elena. 

The knock came again, and the house trembled. There was a horrible crashing sound from inside the china cabinet, and a crack spidered up the wall behind it. “Shit,” said Gwen, near tears. “We just renovated.” 

Elena smiled sweetly. “They won’t stop, Merlin. You’d better let them in.” 

“If I let them in, they’ll take you too,” Merlin said grimly. “Everyone here is corrupted data.” He brought the heels of his hands to his temples and closed his eyes, as though he were deep in thought. Elena prevaricated, shifting her weight from foot to foot, but stopped when Merlin snapped his teeth in warning.

“Who exactly is at our door?” said Lance. 

“It’s my fault,” said Merlin. “Arthur, I’m so sorry. I just wanted a friend.”

For the first time, Arthur felt a frisson of fear. “What do you mean?”

“He means he’s fucked us all,” said Elena. “They care about taking Merlin alive, but they couldn’t care less about us. They don’t know how much we know. We’re leaks. Corrupted data, like Merlin said.” 

“We don’t know _anything_!” said Gwen. “That’s the problem!”

“We know about Excalibur,” said Gwaine, surprisingly quiet. “That’s it, isn’t it? The big secret? The reason you decided to run?”

Merlin wiped the back of his hand against his nose in a too-endearing childlike gesture. “I swallowed it.”

“You _swallowed_ Excalibur?” said Elena. She laughed desperately and had to clutch the back of a chair. “Then it’s not a danger anymore. Nothing gets out of a black hole.” 

“Not entirely true,” said Merlin. Another knock blasted through the house.

Gwen stood up and banged her knife against a glass as if she were about to give a very aggressive toast. “Ahem,” she said. “Merlin, you told us you could portal to other universes. Why can’t we do that now?” 

“Because traveling like a black hole does would rip out your internal organs,” said Elena. 

“Ah.” Gwen nodded. “I see.” 

“Merlin, what do you mean not entirely true?” said Lance. “Light isn’t fast enough to escape a black hole, nothing is faster than light, nothing escapes a black hole.”

“You’d have to exist in two places at once,” said Elena. “Inside and outside the black hole at the same time.”

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. There was a terrible splintering sound.

“I’m so sorry,” said a woman’s voice. “But I had to let myself in.” And then Morgana. Fucking. Pendragon stepped through the archway. She was wearing a floor-length red raw silk gown, white elbow-length gloves, and holding a pearl-handed revolver. Not a hair was out of place.

Arthur stood up, a little dizzily. “Morgana? What are _you_ doing here?”

“You’re not from the Killgharrah Counsel,” said Elena.

Morgana checked her reflection in the window and swiped her thumb beneath her lip, ostensibly smoothing her lipstick, which wasn’t smudged at all. Elena extended her hand but didn’t have time to do anything before Morgana snapped her fingers. A shockwave radiated through the room, toppling everyone but Merlin.

“So,” said Morgana, turning lazily from the window to survey the room. “First things first. Whatever are you doing with my brother?”

“He’s my friend,” said Merlin.

“I don’t want to alarm anyone,” said Gwaine, “but I seem to be bleeding from my ear.” He staggered to his feet and held out his hand, showing how the fingertips were splotched with blood.

“The thing is,” said Morgana, “I don’t really care. Go to sleep.” 

Gwaine, who had just gotten his balance, wobbled for a moment and then fell backwards in a perfect swoon. Elena leaped to catch him before his head hit the floor. “That’s my husband,” she said angrily, and tried to strike Morgana again, but her arm froze in mid-air as if it were being held by an invisible hand.

Arthur swallowed bile. “Morgana, what…who…”

“Use your big boy words,” she said, and spun the cylinder, locking a bullet into place. “It’s over, Emrys.” 

Merlin’s face went blank. “That’s not my name.”

“I’m about to kill you,” she said. “Your name is what I say it is. Has he told you what he is, Arthur? He’s not a man, just a pathetic little ex-star that thinks it’s worth something. Get away from my brother before I turn you inside out.” 

“You’d destroy the fucking galaxy if you did that,” said Lance. Morgana squinted at him, and he crossed his arms. “I majored in physics.”

“It’s impossible, anyway,” said Elena, who was standing protectively over Gwaine’s prone body. “You can’t turn a black hole inside out.”

“Not unless you have this,” said Morgana, and cocked the gun. “You know, I was really enjoying the opera. The PM had to deal with a national emergency and gave me his tickets for _Aida_. Do you know what the PM’s box is like? They feed you chocolates on little silver trays. The opera glasses are encrusted in precious gems. And now I have to deal with you instead.”

“Kill me, then,” said Merlin. 

“No,” blurted Arthur, automatically grabbing Merlin’s arm. “No, Morgana, you can’t.”

But Morgana and Merlin were glaring at each other, having some sort of conversation with their eyes. “She won’t,” Merlin said at last. “She doesn’t want to die any more than we do. Excalibur would be free, but she’d be too dead to wield it.” 

“Will someone _please_ tell me what Excalibur is?” said Gwen, banging her hands on the table.

“It’s the reset button,” said Morgana, gun still pointed directly at Merlin. “The escape hatch. The last resort.”

“If everything goes to shit,” said Elena, “you can use it to remake the universe in your own image. You bring everything back to a single point and let it go. If you were god, what would you do?” She laughed hollowly. 

Gwen hugged herself the way she used to whenever she and Arthur argued. “But it’s a moot point, right? No one can use it if Merlin’s got it. And you’re not going to destroy the universe. I know you won’t, Morgana. We’re _friends_.”

“Her first allegiance is to the entity known as the Triple Goddess,” said Merlin, his face stormy. 

“When I was a girl, She came to me in a dream,” said Morgana. “She chose me to be Her prophetess, to speak her words. And She says it’s time for Her to claim Her rightful place as god.”

Arthur didn’t so much make the decision as suddenly and rashly lunge for Morgana. She whirled around and tripped him, but he grabbed her leg on the way down, nearly pulling her over. “Get off,” she said, and hit him on the head with the butt of her pistol. Spots swam in front of his eyes. “You’re my brother and I don’t want to hurt you, but I will if I have to.”

The temperature plummeted, ice frosting across the floor and up the walls. Arthur rolled into sitting position and stared up at Merlin, who stood in the epicenter of the sudden storm. Snowflakes whirled around him. “You will not harm him, Morgana Pendragon.”

Morgana looked taken aback, but only for a moment. “Don’t you see what’s happened to this universe? Everywhere you look is pain and cruelty. The Triple Goddess will erase all suffering, and raise the worthy to sit beside Her in the new world.”

Merlin’s eyes darkened, and the temperature dropped again. A tear slipped from Arthur’s and froze before it hit the floor. “You’ll destroy quadrillions of lives in the process. Every planet, every plant, every earthling and dragon and star,” said Merlin.

“It’s too late,” Morgana said softly. “I’m sorry.” She raised the pistol, closed one eye, and shot Merlin squarely in the chest.

And then everything went to shit.


	7. Chapter 7

Sunlight blinded Arthur. He groaned and turned on his side, burying his head into his pillow. It wasn’t as soft as he remembered, and now that he thought about it, his bed didn’t rock from side-to-side. He cautiously cracked open an eye and waited for his pupil to adjust. Like a photo developing, brilliantly green grass and a bright blue sky emerged from the white. A canopy of leaves spread above him. He was in his childhood hammock.

He sat up slowly so as not to fall out and gazed around. There was his house, looming large against the sky, and there was his play-set that a storm had destroyed when he was eleven but was now pristine. A shape wavered in the distance, near the fence the marked the end of the property. As it got closer, it resolved into a little girl, maybe eight or nine years old, in a purple party dress and with a dark brown braid thrown over one shoulder.

“Arthur, you _have_ to come inside. Daddy’s looking for you.” She lisped the slightest bit on the _s_ sound: in _th_ ide. Daddy’ _th_.

Recognition rolled through him. “Morgana?”

“Um, duh,” she said, swinging her arms. “If you don’t come you’re going to get in so much trouble.”

“I—yeah. Okay.” When Arthur got off the hammock he loomed over Morgana, but she didn’t seem to notice that her younger brother had aged nineteen years. She just slipped her hand into his and tugged him in the direction of the house. He hadn’t been home in nearly a year, and even then it had been much changed since childhood. No fire had destroyed the east wing, no helicopter pad had been carved from the grass. It was spring and the air smelled like honeysuckle.

“Daddy,” called Morgana, ushering Arthur through the patio’s sliding glass door and into the sunny living room. Arthur slowed down, taking in the blue sectional and full shelves. The hardwood floor was so shiny that it reflected everything in the room, creating a murky double beneath their feet. Morgana tugged his arm. “Come _on_.” They went from the living room through a giant foyer and into the dining room.

It took Arthur a moment to take in all the people at the table. Vivienne and Gorlois de Bois, Tristan and Isolde Lyones, Alined Trickler, Annis Caerleon, Uther Pendragon, and, at the foot of the table—

Arthur’s breath caught. “Mother?”

“Arthur,” said Ygraine Pendragon, opening her arms. “Come here.”

Arthur raced across the floor, the table growing taller with every step, until he could barely see above it. “Mummy,” he said, and she pulled him onto her lap and snuggled him close. She smelled like lavender detergent and hairspray and powder, and Arthur didn’t know why the scent clogged his throat with tears. He sobbed into her neck, and she shushed him gently.

“I think someone needs to go down for a nap,” said Uther.

Ygraine turned Arthur around so he was facing the table and tickled his ribs. He laughed, tears forgotten and his heart clenching with joy.

“How fickle,” said someone Arthur hadn’t seen before, a stranger with black hair and blue eyes.

“Babies often are,” said Ygraine, laughing.

“How is he here and there at the same time?” said Alined, and Arthur followed Alined’s line of sight to the window, where a tall blond man was staring into the room.

“He’s the Once and Future,” Uther said proudly.

“Is he?” said the black-haired stranger.

The blond man banged on the window, his chest heaving. Morgana laughed and drew the curtain. A shadow fell over the room.

Ygraine slid Arthur off her lap and quickly rose. “I’m sorry,” she said, “but I suddenly feel terrible. I think I have to lie down.” She took two steps towards the door before she collapsed.

Arthur rushed towards his mother and jumped onto her hospital bed, sliding under the blanket with her. Morgana, still in her party dress, stood in the corner with her arms crossed. “When are we getting the ices?” she whined. “I want the ices, Daddy.”

“Me, too,” said Arthur, curling against his mother. “You promised us ices.”

Uther, who was sitting in a battered red chair with his head in his hand, looked up to glower at his children. “Not right now. And Arthur, how many times do I have to tell you your mother’s resting? Get out right now.”

Something dark thumped the window, and Morgana cried out. “A bird! Daddy, a bird flew into the window! Do you think it’s all right?” She ran over and shoved open the frame.

“Morgana,” Uther said tiredly. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s on the pavement,” Morgana said, craning her neck. “I think it hurt its wing.”

“It’s its own damn fault for flying into fucking glass,” said Uther, and Morgana and Arthur gasped.

“Daddy said a bad word!” said Morgana.

“Language!” shrieked Arthur, banging his little fists on the coverlet. “Language, language, language!”

“Morgana,” said Ygraine, and everyone fell silent. “Be a good girl and take your brother to café downstairs?”

“Yes, Mummy,” Morgana said immediately, and haughtily stuck her nose in the air. “Come along, Arthur. We’re getting ices.”

The hallway was white and went on forever in both directions, but Morgana seemed to know where she was going. “You’re going to have to be very brave,” she said, in her I’m-an-adult voice. “Because I heard the doctor talking, and Mummy is going to die, and we’ll be orphans.”

“I don’t want Mummy to die,” said Arthur petulantly.

“It can’t be helped. She has a brain tuner.”

“A tuner?”

“A ball in her head,” Morgana explained patiently. They came to the lift, and she pressed the down button. There was a _ding_ , and the lift doors slid open. A man holding a bloody hatchet stepped out and politely held the doors open for them. “Hello, Once and Future.”

“We’re not allowed to talk to strangers,” Morgana said self-importantly, and the doors closed. The elevator started its descent. Morgana suddenly kicked the wall, and Arthur jumped.

“FUCK!” she screamed, slamming on the “stop” button. “FUCK FUCK FUCK! FUCK!”

Arthur stared at her, half in terror, half in awe. “Morgana?”

“FUCK,” she said again, and kicked the door. Her face crumpled, and she wailed. It was the worst sound Arthur had ever heard. “I don’t want her to die I don’t want her to die I don’t want her to die I don’t want her to die I don’t want her—”

Morgana froze, her face screwed into a nearly unrecognizable rictus. Her dress didn’t even flutter.

“Morgana?” Arthur said uncertainly, and tugged on her purple sash. It didn’t budge.

“If you were god, what would you do?” said Elena.

Arthur looked behind him, but there was nobody there. When he turned back, Morgana was gone. In her place was a boy eating jam with a spoon.

“This is when it happened. When the universe picked sides.”

“What?” said Arthur

“I may not have been entirely honest with you,” said the boy, and they were standing in Arthur’s kitchen, grown again.

“Merlin?”

Merlin’s smile nearly split his face in two. “Arthur! I thought I’d never get you out. Morgana’s been sending you in circles, but she’s not going to win.”

“My mother—”

“The prayer of a little girl is a powerful thing,” said Merlin. “Especially a little sorceress. The Triple Goddess found her prophet that day.”

“What do you want from me?” Arthur demanded. “What do you _want_?”

Merlin’s edges wavered, and he began to fade. “You’re the Once and Future, remember?” Then he was gone. There was a flash of movement through the window, and Arthur ran to look through. “HELLO!” he yelled, banging his fist against the glass. Across the room, a little girl noticed him and wandered over.

“Last one to Excalibur’s a rotten egg,” she said, and drew the curtain over the scene.


	8. Chapter 8

Arthur went to his liquor cabinet and chugged straight from the whiskey bottle. It burned going down, but he might have been drinking water for all it did. He went over what he knew.

One, Morgana hadn’t managed to turn Merlin inside out, because Arthur as far as Arthur could tell, he was still alive. Two, he was pretty sure he was inside Merlin, which was an awkward thing to think, but it was the truth. Three, Morgana was there too. They were both looking for Excalibur. If Morgana got it, she would end the universe. If Arthur got it, he would…do something. Destroy it? He wasn’t really sure.

And how the fuck was he supposed to find the damn thing? Weren’t black holes supposed to be massive? It was the proverbial fucking needle in the proverbial fucking haystack. He sat on the kitchen floor, unwittingly taking the spot Merlin had a short week before. This time there were no pistachios to lighten the mood. He wondered what was happening outside. He hoped Gwen and Lance and all the rest were okay. He wondered whether Merlin looked the same, or if he’d transformed. Maybe he’d gone full black hole and swallowed up the whole planet.

Arthur would just have to be optimistic and hope that hadn’t happened.

“This was supposed to be dinner,” he said. “Just dinner.” He gave himself ten seconds to feel self-pitying, and then clapped his hands and got to his feet. He tried an old trick that had never worked: “I am not depressed. I am happy. I am alive. I can do this. I am the Once and Future, and I can be in two places at once.” 

What that meant, he didn’t know. But if the black hole kept telling him that, he might as well accept it. Across the kitchen, the curtain was still pulled over the window, and he didn’t much feel like trying there again. Instead he went out through the front door and stood on his porch. His neighborhood was gone. All that remained was a sucking nothingness. 

“This is fine,” he said, and stepped off the porch. The darkness slithered again his skin like a living thing, and he spasmed with a sudden shiver. It was Merlin, only Merlin, but a part of Merlin he never wanted to feel again. He walked forward, and his feet touched nothing, felt nothing, and yet he continued as if he were on a firm surface. 

_ARTHUR!_

It felt as though the thought had come from inside his own head, but it hadn’t. He knew it hadn’t.

 _Hello?_ he thought back. No response. _Morgana?_ Something hissed to his left, and he jerked around. Nothing but the darkness. He was losing his nerve. If he ever got out of this, he was going to check himself into a spa. He’d go full Victorian and bathe in hot springs. 

“Arthur,” said Gwen. She was standing before him, a swath of light in the darkness. A white gown drifted around her like a wisps of cotton in the wind. “Why do you hate me?”

“I don’t,” Arthur said desperately. “I never hated you.”

“But you never loved me.”

Arthur clenched his jaw and looked away. “I know it’s you, Morgana.”

“So what if it’s me?” said Gwen in Morgana’s voice. “I’m just telling you the truth.”

“How are you doing this?” he demanded. “How are you alive?”

It was eery to see Gwen’s expressionless face, to hear Morgana’s voice in Gwen’s mouth. “I’m protected by the Triple Goddess. The question is, how are _you_ alive. You should be smear on the event horizon, not walking and talking as if time still exists.”

He gave himself a mental shake and continued onward. The Gwen-puppet smiled vacantly after him. “You’ve been serving her since Mother died.”

Morgana’s voice issued from the void. “And you’ve been serving a black hole. Same difference.”

“I haven’t,” protested Arthur. “I barely know him.” But he knew it was a lie. He could see time clearly, now, how it all circled back to the same point. He held the raven in his hand and set its wing and dripped water on its beak, again and again and again. And Merlin drank the mustard and ate the nuts and stacked the cups and Morgana broke down the door and cocked her gun and tried to destroy the galaxy so her god could destroy the universe. And then the voices rose around him.

—The breakables! said Gwen. 

Elena laughed. —He’s been saying you were gay since, like, day one.

—Arthur. A word? 

—The people believe in you.

—Don’t be such a princess. This is your quest, after all.

—You don’t seem like the kind of person who’d destroy a planet.

—Camelot is fortunate to have a king such as you.

Merlin huffed. —You’re ruining everything.

—And you, Uther, Morgana bit out. You will go to hell. 

—This is when it happened. When the universe picked sides.

—Hold me.

The voices raised like a hurricane, battering at his head and slamming his ears and piercing his sides. They rushed together until he could barely hear the individual words—MAGIC KING DEATH MERLIN WITCHFINDER WITCH PURGE DEATH QUESTING BEAST FISHER KING FATHER DROWN FATHER DEATH FATHER PURGE PROTECT PURGE—

“SHUT UP!” screamed Arthur. He didn’t want to be here in the sounds, in the chaos, and he closed his eyes and thought, _I am everywhere at once,_ and

Merlin clapped a hand on Arthur’s back. “Go on, then.”

A shaft of light fell from the ether. 

“That sword is stuck fast in solid stone,” said Arthur, like he always did.

“And you’re going to pull it out,” said Merlin, as he always would.

“Merlin, it’s impossible,” he said, even as he wrapped a hand around the hilt.

“The sword is in the rock,” Merlin agreed. “But it’s also in your hand.”

Arthur closed his eyes and felt the universe thrum through the stone and into his hand. Everything he was and would be was for this moment. This was the key of the universe, plunged into the stone by the old gods when they left, where it waited for fourteen billion years.

He closed his eyes and tightened his hand and prepared himself, every muscle in his body tensing, knowing that when the sword existed in two places at once, the universe would be his to command.

Across the clearing, someone coughed. Arthur opened his eyes.

“Oh, fuck,” said Morgana. “I’m the rotten egg.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh. How we feeling?


	9. Chapter 9

“You found me,” Arthur said, stupidly.

“You’re basically screaming psychically,” said Morgana. “A baby could find you.” She was still in her opera dress, but now it hung in tatters off her tall frame. She was missing her right glove and the revolver. “Step away from the sword.”

“Or what?” said Arthur. “You’ll shoot me?”

Morgana snorted. “You’re not the one who’s been training for this moment since you were nine years old. I’m fairly certain I can take you.”

“I’m the Once and Future.”

“Everyone’s the Once and Future at the center of a black hole,” said Morgana. “All of time existing at once in one spot. It’s enough to drive anyone mad.” 

—Mr. Watson, I have a dream that I am become death, king of Camelot—

“No, but I’ve always been the Once and Future,” said Arthur. “Can’t you feel it? The gods left this sword for me.”

—rise and shine, Madame President, it’s a brave new world and we’re just getting started— 

Morgana took a step forward and put her hand around Arthur’s. “And I say they left it for me.”

—you idiot you clotpole you prat—

“I killed you, once,” said Arthur.

“You’re remembering wrong. That was Merlin.”

“No,” said Arthur. “A different time. I watched you clasp an asp to your breast, and I did nothing.”

“And I pushed you from a tower and blamed it on your uncle,” said Morgana. “It’s a long and storied history, Once and Future. And we’re at its singularity.”

“All stories at once.”

“At once,” Morgana agreed, and tightened her grip around Arthur’s hand. His bones crunched, and he bit through his lip trying not to scream. The blood burbled over his chin and splashed bright red on the dull gray of the rock. “Do you know who wielded Excalibur last? Do you know who created this universe?”

Arthur winced in pain, and tried to find the nausea churning in his stomach. “Are you going to tell me?”

“The serpent devours its own tail,” said Morgana, and yanked her arm upward. The sword slid out of the stone like a knife out of butter, Arthur’s hand on the hilt, Morgana hand on his, and the silver blade sang against the rock. Its tip kissed the surface and the pressure burst Arthur’s eardrums and Morgana’s face went white and Arthur had time only to think, _Ohhh,_ we’re _the old gods_ , when the stone exploded.

***

“Arthur. Arthur. Aaaaaaaarthur. Arthuuuuuuur. Aaaaaaaaarrrrthuuuuuurrrrr.” 

Arthur groaned into the crook of his arm.

“Gwen! He won’t wake up, what do I do?”

“Oh, my God, do I have to do everything? Gwaine, get out of the way. Arthur, are you all right?”

“Look, Gwaine, the CBD was here, after all!”

“ _Now_ you tell me?”

“How is he, Gwen?”

“I don’t know. Lance, does this pulse feel normal to you?”

“Excuse me, _I_ ’m the nurse…Yeah, I’d say that’s normal.”

“Are you sure you know how human anatomy works?”

“Gwaine, if you want to see my anatomy ever again—”

“No more Sidhe jokes, got it.”

“ARTHUR!”

“ _What_?” Arthur sat up crossly and wiped his sweaty fringe off his forehead. “Was it absolutely necessary to wake me up?” He gingerly got to his feet and looked around the wrecked dining room. It looked like someone had karate chopped the dining room table down the middle, spraying shattered wood and glass and china everywhere. The crack by the china cabinet had been joined by at least ten others, and the china cabinet itself was no more than a sorry pile of glossy splinters.

“Where’s Merlin?”

“I’m here.”

Arthur slowly turned around. Merlin stood before him in his suit with the unraveled hems, but his skin glowed with an otherworldly light, and his eyes gleamed with a frightening power. The very air around him seemed to slow, as if it were afraid…or entering an event horizon. 

“What happened?”

Merlin smiled. “You and Morgana created the universe.” 

“I feel like we missed a lot,” said Gwaine. “Does anyone else feel like we missed a lot?”

“How?” said Arthur.

“You hit the reset button,” said Merlin. “You wound up the clock. It has to happen every eternity or so.” 

“So Excalibur was never going to destroy the universe.”

“If Morgana were powerful enough to break the chain,” said Merlin, “but she never is.”

Arthur swallowed. “Is she…”

“At the opera?” said Merlin. “Absolutely. I thought she could use a treat after her stressful evening.”

Arthur’s knees buckled, and Lance grabbed him. “Thank god.”

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” said Elena. “But I think the cake is ready.”


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By now you may be asking yourself, "What the fuck am I reading?"
> 
> I really wish I knew.

“It isn’t always such a mess,” said Arthur, watching his guests take in the stacks of papers and books on the buffet table and the melted wax on the floor. 

“Yes it is,” Merlin said cheerfully from where he was scrawling a pentagram on the wall in red crayon. 

“I’m apt to believe Merlin on this one, mate,” said Gwaine. 

“This is a very pretty print,” Lance said, picking up one of the china plates from the table. “Where’s it from?”

Merlin and Arthur exchanged a look. “You don’t want to know,” Arthur said hastily.

“Now we do,” said Elena, dropping her coat on the floor and coming over to inspect the plate in question. “Oh, these flowers are lovely.”

“What?” said Gwen, frowning at Arthur’s uncomfortable face. “What aren’t you telling us?”

“Merlin and I did a little traveling,” said Arthur, “and it wasn’t like they were going to need them anymore after the mob, and you know how Merlin likes shiny things, and I know we shouldn’t have, but we got there _right_ before it started, and they’re from Versailles, okay? We got in the week before it happened and they were just sitting there on a side table and Merlin sort of grabbed them.”

“You stole from _Marie Antoinette_??” said Gwen.

“ _Merlin_ stole from Marie Antoinette,” said Arthur. “I mean, he’s a black hole, how am I supposed to stop him?”

“Merlin, you’re terrible,” Gwaine said gleefully. “Can we keep one?” Wordlessly, Elena opened her purse, and Gwaine dropped one of plates into it. Arthur opened his mouth to argue but remembered he didn’t exactly have a leg to stand on here. It wasn’t like he’d acquired them through honest means, either.

There was a sudden gust of wind, and Morgana, swathed in a giant fur coat, materialized at the head of the table. “We can start,” she announced.

“Oh, good,” Arthur said dryly. “We were holding our breaths.” 

“And how is life at Chez Domesticity?” said Morgana, tossing her coat over the back of her chair and pushing her sunglasses up into her glossy hair. 

“Are those really necessary?” said Arthur. “In winter?”

“I’m a god,” she said. “I’m allowed to wear sunglasses.”

“You’re not a god anymore,” said Merlin, who had switched to a green crayon. “You have to control time to be a god, and you can only do that in a singularity. So technically I’m the only god here. Arthur, can you pass me the jelly beans?”

“Oh, I may have some bad news,” said Gwaine, stuffing something that looked suspiciously like an empty sweets bag into his back pocket. “They’ve actually run off. They left a note and everything.”

“Really?” said Merlin.

“What am I going to do with you?” said Arthur, coming up behind Merlin and wrapping his arms around him. 

“Um…mate me?” Merlin said hopefully. Arthur choked on his spit as Gwaine and Elena clutched each other laughing.

“We’ve talked about the proper terminology, Merlin! We’ve talked about this!”

“So, I’ll just serve myself,” said Morgana, and poured herself a full glass of Merlin’s rosé. “Cheers everyone.”

“You tried to destroy the universe,” complained Gwaine. “You can’t drink all the wine, too.”

“Oh, believe me,” said Arthur. “We have crates of the stuff in the cellar. Actually, Merlin, do you want to come with me and get some more?”

“That’s so romantic,” said Gwen. “Lance, are we ever that romantic?”

“We kissed in a dungeon.”

“On a museum tour.”

“Would you want to go to a _real_ dungeon?”

Gwen was just admitting that she wouldn’t when Arthur pulled Merlin out of the room and pressed him up against the hallway wall. Merlin closed his eyes and tilted his head for the kiss, and Arthur couldn’t help but take a second longer to observe the miracle that was his life.

“You’re my favorite person,” Arthur whispered against Merlin’s lips. “I can’t believe I ever fed you dog-food.”

“Here’s the thing,” said Merlin, opening his eyes. “I may not be exactly human, but I don’t think you’re supposed to mention dog-food right now.”

“You’re right,” said Arthur. “I don’t know what I was thinking.” And he kissed the love of his lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who stuck around to read the whole thing! I'm also confused.


End file.
